On Rewarding Your Child
My favorite childhood memory is having ice cream with my mother after music recitals and auditions. I went to a very specialized music school back home. The music training was rigorous. At the end of the year we would have juries where we performed for an annual evaluation. We were also encouraged to start having an hour solo recitals from a very early age. The countless hours spent in preparation were paying off. After a performance I got to enjoy a wonderful time with my mother and sometimes other young musicians! We would go to a favorite place. We would enjoy ice cream and celebrate the success!
It was interesting to me to read an interview with a famous violinist not long ago. He was asked about his best childhood memory playing the violin. I think the expectation was for a profound answer. Instead he said…ice cream after concerts!
Motivating our children is very simple, yet it is not easy! It is sometimes difficult to help them develop maturity while appreciating that they are still children.
After you do something well, and you recognize it, you want to share it with others. Children experience this often. Adults do too. When acknowledging child’s achievements, the appreciation goes both ways between a parent and a child as both parties celebrate their part in the success. I think this is really the memorable moment! It was not the ice cream, it was the celebration of a job well done.
However, this could have been a very different scenario. The ice cream could have come as a condition. Then I may have wanted to do well because of the reward. Or even worse, I could have associated not getting the reward as failure and internalized it. In either case, I would be having negative feelings, or I would want more and more external motivation for the work I do.
Parents sometimes confuse rewarding their child with setting conditions for them. It is easy to do. It happens when we really want our children to do well. It also happens when we want an instant improvement of their behavior.
If you…then I will…..
If you catch yourself using this sentence structure with your child, then this post is for you!
Every time you condition a child, you would see an immediate response. But you may be setting up some dangerous ways of thinking.
Here are some scenarios. They are ways of interaction I hear in my studio. In all of these cases the child is asked to cooperate by either threatening or bribing them. Both may have immediate effect but a very negative effect on the long run. The same statements could be modified to transform a negative experience into a positive one.
Scenarios
- Do you remember the priviledges that we talked about? You are not going to get them if you don’t listen
- If you focus at your lesson, we will get ice cream.
- Remember we talked about being quiet? We are not going to the movies otherwise.
- I have a gift for you in the car. If you play well, I will give it to you.
Instead You Might Try
- You worked really hard today! Now we have time for other fun things. What would you like to do till the rest of the evening?
- We had a very good lesson!!!! Let’s celebrate by getting ice cream together.
- The lesson did not go very well today. We need to talk about what we will do next time (no threat or bribe, just stating what needs to be done with a firm voice)
- I just saw you being very quiet and respectful to your teacher today! Let’s go see a movie!
- We practiced hard all week and we just had a great lesson! Let’s go to the car. Hmmm…let’s look in the back seat…there might be something there.
All of the “improved” scenarios involve not so much teaching the child, but rather waiting to see good behavior and then focusing on the good by expecting more of it. This way behavior correction is achieved by positive reinforcement.
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I think parents spend too much time bribing children to get them to do the things they want them to do. Good behavior is an expectation, not something to be negotiated.
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Agreed. We live in a culture of quick fixes and the media is involved in promotion of external rewards consistently. I believe that this affects us and we are all guilty of falling into the trap at different times or at different areas of our lives.
Very interesting post, my little girl is still small (only 4 months), but this will come in handy for sure!
Thanks for the thoughtful blog! If people found out how tough parenting can be before they thought about having kiddos…well, there would be no more thinking about it! Falling into the trap of bribing your child is easy.
Oh Wow, I love love love this post. This is my favorite post of the week. Rewards don't work and often come to the detriment of the child. Thanks for this, and also for the excellent resources. Pinning this post.
Thanks for sharing!
LOVE this! My husband and I speak about this frequently – even before we had a child. I think a lot of this is what leads to kids also having terrible eating habits. Constant "rewarding" with cupcakes, candy and other unhealthy things can cause trouble especially if it is the only motivation to do something!
Very true. Unfortunately food is often given as a motivator. Eventually kids start to need it and expect it. I think that awarding yourself or a child could be good, but when the line is crossed, then we get into trouble.
On a different note, in terms of building healthy eating habits with your children, and getting a different perspective on it, please check the post What the French Can Teach Us About Parenting. The books suggested talk a lot about building healthy eating habits. I have a feeling you will enjoy it. //www.musicteachingandparenting.com/2013/07/on-french-parenting-books.htmlmay enjoy it.
Maria
this is a really helpful post, we have got into quite a negative spiral of bribes and threats. thanks for sharing on the Sunday Parenting Party, I'm featuring this weekend.
Thank you. And thank you for the feature.
You've pointed out a very important difference between rewards and conditions. Just changing the way you phrase something can mean the difference between positive or negative association with a given activity. Whenever I don't compliance from my toddler, I try to change his mind in a way which will build a positive association. Found you on The Sunday Parenting Party!
Thank you Tarana. Yes the way we use language can be so important. Thank you for adding to the discussion!
An interesting post – we try to consciously award effort and trying rather than results, but it's very difficult and we often slip.
Thank you for this! It is those little things that make such a huge impact in a child's life. I am a "rut" person, so I do not often think of a simple trip to the ice cream shop. I am thankful for my husband who balances me out. Our kids need little reminders that they are so important that we will side step normal life to concentrate on just them for a moment.
It's like that line in Avatar… "I see you…"
While "if, then" isn't necessarily a good thing, there are natural consequences in life. You can choose to do X, but then Y will generally happen. Life conditions us….so I think part of the reason parents offer bribes, or consequences, is to prepare their child for natural follow-through of their actions.